Love

I’m a deeply loving person.

I’ve always felt a little more emotional then others.

I’ve felt the pull to stories that talk about bravery and friendship and unconditional love my whole life.

I believe love is the most beautiful aspect of the human experience. And I feel an intense desire to celebrate those that I adore and to make them feel surrounded by my love. With that comes an intense grief when I think about all of those who exist day after day with an absence of love in their life, a feeling I know all too well.

In some ways I feel it is my divine purpose to be the enormously loving and emotional soul that I am. To encourage people to dive into their depths and to find their courage, their strength, their well of love. I want the people in my heart to feel that I am always with them, that they are never without, because I am always here. 

I spent an entire childhood feeling guilty about these beautiful parts of me. I felt shame around the emotions and vulnerability that would infuriate my mother’s gaslighting, or the openness and honesty that made those around me quiver in discomfort, and then proclaim that I was just too sensitive.

Not only did this make me want to try MORE to make the people who would not accept me feel my love, but I began to believe that I was not good at showing my love. That what I thought was love was wrong and selfish. And I thought that this need to give the people I love the knowing that I love them was routed in my abandonment trauma; the love only came from a place of fear that they would leave. And maybe for a time, that was an influence. But in another view, it couldn’t be further from the truth.

My compassion is my super power. The price of feeling love deeply is feeling hurt deeply. And for years I pushed love away for fear of all of the pain I felt for being rejected over and over again as a child. 

But after these years of healing, after removing the toxic relationships from my life, after learning to love and embrace every part of me that makes me who I am, I’ve welcomed love back in with open arms.

I’ll cry along to the song Gloria Estefan sings at the end of Vivo.

I’ll stare at the sunrise in awe and just gush about how beautiful the colors look.

I’ll grab my daughter’s hand at random and squeeze it and tell her just how much I love her, because I don’t ever want her to forget that my hand is always here.

I’ll dance in grocery store aisles and sing songs to myself as I pick items off the shelf.

I’ll smile at strangers and give grace to those who can’t smile back 

I’ll hug someone and tell them it’s okay if they’re not okay, even if they’re not ready to admit it to themselves

I’ll continue being honest, transparent, and I'll continue talking about the things others are scared to acknowledge. But I’ll also understand their limitations, and why they turn away from love, and I will forgive them, and continue to love them from afar. 

My heart was stomped on over and over by the narcissists in my life. And now I know that my heart of gold is my greatest treasure. 

An excerpt from the book 'Lavender' by Tiffany Nicole

A friend of mine posed this question a few months ago as we discussed the state of the world and the mass polarity we’re experiencing: What are you giving?

Instead of what you have

Or what you don’t have

Or where you want to be

Or where you don’t want to be

Or what you can gain 

Or what you lose

Ask yourself, what are you giving?

And if nothing comes to mind, I know one thing that you can always give. It’s always free, and it’s always with you.

Love.