Healing Is Not Linear

I wrote this a few weeks ago after a challenging day.

“Yesterday I had one of the worst CPTSD episodes I’ve had in a while. No matter how many times I tell myself that these days will come, that I have a disorder, I’m always shocked and overwhelmed when they do.

I’ve gotten really good at diving under the wave, as my therapist Juniper named it. But only when I know what that wave is; why I’m being triggered. And I’m starting to realize there’s so many waves I still don’t understand. 

When I’m triggered, I am falling down a rabbit hole of dark, intrusive thoughts that don’t stop to catch a breath. The me I am feels gone in those moments, and I’m free falling through what the thoughts are telling me the reality outside of me is. I flare. I get angry. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing. I cry, I cried a lot yesterday. The tears would not stop.

I realized that the people pleaser monster still has her clutches in me, deep. I’ve peeled off the first layer: I’m okay when people I love are upset, if I know it has nothing to do with me. But what if it does have to do with me, what if they’re angry with me? Well I got slapped in the face with that yesterday, a few times. The universe really wanted me to understand this was an area of me that needed a light to be shed.

I couldn’t even feel when I transitioned from a logical state of mind to a triggered state of mind. All of a sudden I just felt myself feeling things that weren’t true. If Thomas is mad, he’s mad at me and he’s thinking what a horrible partner I am and if I can’t fix that then what happens? I’m abandoned. That’s how the little battered and bruised girl in my mind thinks about it. If my dad or my stepmom is mad, and they’re not directly telling me they’re mad, I’m going to assume they are embarking on a smear campaign, trashing my name and all the while putting on a fake smile in my presence. I consciously know that is never the case, but the girl inside of me watched her mother do this so many times that to her, it is fact. I can’t let the people I love be frustrated. I can’t omnisciently look at their reasons for being upset, understand that it has more to do with them than it does with me, and release my responsibility to fix it. 

There are so many lines to this web of the people pleaser. The central one is trusting myself. Trusting my intentions. Trusting that I have a good heart. Trusting that even when I do what is right for me, I will upset people I care about, and that does not make it wrong. Trusting that people in my life love me and are not going to leave me when I don’t expect it. 

If I continue to look away from these triggers, if I continue to muscle through and push them away and try to be what I think I need to be for my family? That will be my fault. But the severe abuse and abandonment that caused these triggers and survival mechanisms within me to form? Those are not, have never been, and will never be my fault.

There is a deep desire inside of me to be a good person. To be a good wife. To be a good mother. To never hurt anyone around me. Is some of this grounded in how much I love my family? Yes. Is some of it grounded in my need to feel safe? Absolutely. And this ideal is simply, unattainable. 

I am going to hurt the people around me, and they will hurt me. It is human nature. But how do I repair when I’ve hurt, without sacrificing myself? How do I look at the ways I’ve hurt and do better next time? How do I allow myself to accept that yes I will hurt people, and thus in turn, become more accepting and open and loving when I do to listen? Well, that’s where the next phase of my work lies. 

Side note; what a coincidence that all of this happened on the day I decided extra sleep was more important than my morning wellness routine of yoga and meditation. By a coincidence, I mean not a coincidence at all.”

- Someone who’s been at this healing game for almost 5 years, and still finds it incredibly messy.                 You’re process isn’t linear, and no one has it all together. 

This is my current read that was recommended to me by many different therapists, 
including my own. Dr. Van Der Kolk has helped me to understand my trauma, 
why my brain behaves the way that it does, so I can ultimately find clarity
and healing 💛