Acceptance

"My mother never loved me"

"What a shocking thing to say!"

They scream

As they cry

"A parent's love is undeniable" 

But what they don't see 

Is that the truth for me

Was dug into my heart

Over and over 

And over again

Like nails in a coffin

Going in one painstakingly

Hammering force at a time 

Each insult

Each judgement

Each smack

Each ugly stare

Forged the iron daggers

I threw at my reflection

Shattering everything I did

And did not want to be

It didn't start that way

It was conditioned over time

Like a cancer slowly 

Decaying

All the things that made me

Me

With each Pac-man 

Chomp

Another piece fell

Another innocent was murdered

Another wall was erected

I tried for a time

Too large to describe

To earn the sacred fruit

Of my bearer's affection

Through helping hands

Pleasing efforts

Submissive responses

And unconditional forgiveness

I threw myself at her feet

Begging and pleading for 

something

That I know now

She could not give

How could I expect her

To see in me

What she did not see

In herself

How could I hope

For a safe place to call

Home

When all she ever knew

Was war torn ruins

These are messages I would send

Proclamations I would scream

To the younger version of me

Who thought

"If I whittle a little more

Of myself away

I will obtain

The unobtainable" 

If I'm pretty

If I'm smart

If I'm funny

If I'm kind

If I'm popular

If I'm skinny

If I'm successful

If I'm brave

If I'm strong

If I'm silent

If I'm accepting

If I'm understanding

If I'm giving

If I'm selfless

Then I will finally be enough

Oh and how I wish 

I could embrace 

This younger me

And tell her 

She's casting coins into

A bottomless well

That will never

Grant her wish

My mother did not love me, 

Because my mother cannot love anyone 

Me around 9 or 10 years old, this poem is for you little one