Diving In

Hi there! 

If you’ve made it this far, I’m assuming you have some general idea of who I am. Maybe you’ve been a quiet follower on my Instagram for the past few months, maybe you recognize me as the lady who always says hi to you in the grocery store, maybe we worked together, maybe you know someone who knows me, maybe we’ve known each other since high school and the version of me you remember is so far from the version of me you have now. Some of you may be reading this because you admire me, or because you are inspired by me, or maybe it’s because you don’t like me and you’re just curious what the hell I could be talking about now (I know there are a few of you out there). Whether you’ve known me for two seconds or two decades, each one of you already has a carefully crafted perception of who you believe me to be. And I am here to tell you that every single one of your perceptions is wrong. 

I don’t make that statement from a judgmental standpoint, I make that statement from a place of truth. We all do this in our daily lives, myself included. We observe someones behaviors whether small or major, and we believe to have them all figured out. We create our own picture in our minds of who we believe that person to be, and every action they take from that point on will be compared to that picture. Is this person acting out of character? Have I deemed this person a bitch? Do I deem this person’s reaction appropriate to the subject matter? Is this person too open? Too conservative? Too quiet? Too loud? Too nice? Too cold? Too smart? Too dumb? Too aware? Too naive? And based on these conclusions that we draw ourselves (usually without the others person’s involvement), we then begin to judge them based on these built perceptions. Think of it like putting on a pair of glasses: If I view someone as a rude person, everything I watch them do will be through my ‘rude’ glasses. If this person doesn’t text me back, maybe i’ll deem them rude (instead of considering all the other possibilities of why they didn’t text me back). If this person doesn’t acknowledge when i’m having a hard time, i’ll deem them as rude (even though they could be going through their own hardship behind closed doors). If this person blows off plans with me at the last minute, i’ll deem them as rude (even though they could be so depressed that they barely had the strength to get out of bed). If this person is assertive with their opinion, i’ll deem them as rude (even though they spent years too afraid to voice their opinions out of fear of rejection and being ostracized). We no longer live in a society based on empathy, we live in a society based on justifying our unsavory behaviors while judging others for theirs. We live in a society of deflection and judgement. 

And these judgements and depictions are not always made in negative connotations. You can do the same harmful practices with the people in your life that you love. If you view Mary Sue as the embodiment of positivity, love and light (again, think of the glasses), that is what you will expect from her time and time again. So if Mary Sue goes through a period where she is negative rather than positive, or defeated rather than triumphed,  you will think that Mary Sue has diverted from who she ‘truly’ is. Some of you may even call her a fake or a phony. “Practice what you preach!” The empathy that we are all susceptible to being off our game, to giving in to toxic behaviors, and to not being the best version of ourselves is completely lost, and the idea that you could grow into a different version of yourself is completely foreign. 

I chose to start my first blog post this way because I have spent most of my life operating within other people’s pictures of myself. I was abused horrendously at home as a child and bullied and tormented all throughout school, and it led me to change certain parts of myself to try and fit in. 

Maybe if I dress this way, they will like me. 

Maybe if I’m into this pop culture phenomenon, they will like me. 

Maybe if I make derogatory jokes like they do, they will like me. 

Maybe if I listen to this type of music, they will like me. 

Maybe if I drink, they will like me. 

Maybe if I’m always there to help, they will like me.

Maybe if I pretend i’m not depressed, they will like me. 

Of course it never worked, and I went on not being accepted (which I’ll get to in a blog post at a later date). But the point is that in order to fit myself into the parameters and expectations set by other people, I sacrificed all the things about me that made me ‘me’. I lived in someone else’s picture of who I should be instead of drawing my own picture. How many of us have done this throughout our lives? Liked something just because someone told us to? Acted a certain way because it was deemed as ‘cool’? How many of us are truly living as our authentic selves, without fear of what our peers will think? I know for a long time I wasn’t. And this same pattern of thinking melted into my mind as I began to think about creating this blog. 

I began thinking about this blog almost 2 years ago. I had all of these great ideas bouncing around in my head of the things that I wanted to write, but no motivation to actually sit down and put out the words. Procrastination is a page in every artist’s book, I probably spend more time thinking about all of the creative ideas I can manifest than actually creating them. 

As I started to talk to more and more of my peers about my ideas and how I wanted to create my own blog to write, they all had an opinion on what I should do: 

“Oh, you need to do technical writing before you write anything like that. No one will take you seriously.”

“Oh, you need to have one theme for your blog, if you make it too all over the place no one will read it.”

“That sounds like an okay idea, but if you want more people to like you, you’ll have to do something different.” 

“Why would you invest time in something like that if your goal is not to make money?” 

“You have to think about the audience that you’re trying to appeal to and write based on that. Whats the point if no one will read what you wrote?”

We all have toxic traits that we battle with every day, and one of mine is that I have spent most of my life caring WAY too much about what other people thought of me and what other people’s ‘pictures’ of me looked like. Because I was not accepted by my peers or by those I loved most of my life, I craved acceptance like a baby craves it’s mother’s love. If someone called me annoying, selfish, rude, manipulative, boring, weird, a bad person, I took it to heart. They wouldn’t be saying it if it wasn’t true, right? The whole idea that I could have my OWN idea of who I was in my core never even occurred to me until I started working on myself a few years ago. And even after all of this time, I still feel days where I am struggling to define for myself who exactly I am. No matter how much we try to confront our demons, we are always susceptible to being within their grasp once again. The goal is not to extinguish the demons, the goal is to strengthen ourselves and our inner voice so that we are louder than the demons that try to hold us back.

Starting this blog was another one of those slippery slopes for me, and all of my old, familiar, doubting (and ultimately, shameful) voices chorused in me once again. Was it ridiculous to think that I could start a blog? Would I really have to suck up writing pieces that were not the style of writing I wanted to do? Would I ever be taken seriously? Would everyone think I was ridiculous? Would I be laughed at? And of course, there was the hammering question louder than the rest: “What will I write about?” 

I went through months and months of trying to formulate different ideas for this blog. 

Maybe I would do a blog solely dedicated to Disney. 

Maybe I would do a blog dedicated to self help. 

Maybe I would do a blog for movie reviews. 

Maybe I would do a blog where I showcased the different recipes I experiment with in the kitchen. 

Maybe I would do a blog with yoga tutorials. 

Anytime I started down this path of defining the box I needed to squeeze myself in to be socially acceptable, it always left me defeated and frustrated. Which would lead to me closing my laptop, and putting writing and blogging out of my mind (sometimes for months at a time). 

Because the truth is, I have never fit into a small neat box. I am messy, colorful, chaotic, I am the paint splatter all over the white walls. I am the woman walking down the street with unkempt hair, a too baggy flannel, and my Doc Marten boots. I am the embodiment of my musical playlist that ranges from Aretha Franklin to Skrillex to Underoath to The Greatest Showman. I am a 27 year old woman who has a deep loving relationship with all things Disney and all stories that embody the Hero’s Journey. I would rather have a conversation about the meaning of life than what we had for lunch today. And when I do cook, my kitchen is not neat and tidy. I’m incredibly socially awkward, and will probably make at least one comment while in your presence that will make you think “Man, that girl is weird.” I’m a masochist who loves to push myself to my greatest fears. I’ll ride roller coasters although i’m afraid of heights. I LOVE scary movies even though i’m absolutely petrified of the dark. I chase the adrenaline rush I feel when I am pushing myself to my furthest breaking points. I love seeing what i’m capable of, I love facing my fears (and this past year has been the ultimate test). I do not fit into a cookie cutter mold, so why on EARTH would I expect my blog to? 

So if you are looking for a blog that will provide you with the same content week after week on a timeline basis, you are in the wrong place. I will write whatever my little heart desires. I’ll post as often as I like. I’ll explain things if I want to and I’ll leave them open to interpretation if I feel like it. You will find posts speckled with self love, nerdy fandoms, recipes to try, movies to go see, experiences to have, and most of all lessons I have learned about the true meaning of love and why we’re here. 

You’ll find all things that are me, and i’m still defining what all that entails. I’m on a quest to find the Allie that I was always destined to be, and I’d be honored if you would follow along on this journey with me. It’s going to be messy, there will be lots of windy turns, random facts, things that don’t make sense, and the like. You will not find anything more from me than love, acceptance, empathy and compassion. I am going to embody the change I want to see in the world, as I have been trying to do every day since I started this adventure to self discovery back in 2016. 

And if you don’t, no hard feelings! If this is not your stop, that’s okay. I, above anything else, want to encourage each and every single one of you reading this to live your most authentic life without fear. I want you to embrace who you are and the path you wish to take, regardless of what others may think about it. And I will try to do the same for myself.

As one of my favorite songs so eloquently puts it: This life I live, it might not be for you, but its for me, though.