13 Reasons Why

The third season of the smash young adult show “13 Reasons Why” recently dropped on Netflix. Constantly plagued by critics and communities who feel the subject matter is harmful, this season did not fail to disappoint when it came to drama, intense conversations, and taboo discussions. The focus was set around the question: “Who killed Bryce Walker?” And there were so many unexpected twists and turns that going into the final episode, I still had no idea who was responsible for Bryce’s murder. If you have not yet watched the third season, STOP RIGHT HERE. Because we’re about to dive deep into spoiler territory. 

Photo Courtesy of 13 Reasons Why Instagram Page

I have been a fan of 13 Reasons Why since the get-go. Although the conversations are hard to have and the visuals are at some points completely unsettling (season 1 suicide scene, I’m looking at you), there is something so incredibly important about the messages that are portrayed. This show has been accused of glorifying topics like suicide, drug addiction, sexual assault, and the like. But honestly, as someone who has had close and intimate encounters with all things mentioned, I think this is the first show I have ever watched about high school that does not paint a picture resembling a Sarah Dessen novel. These issues are yes, uncomfortable, but they are REAL.

I have recently been open about the struggles I have experienced in my past, and bullying all throughout my time in public schools was a big one. I remember in the 4th grade that no one wanted to be my friend because I had ‘hair on my knuckles’. I remember being made fun of in the 6th grade for my ‘scratchy voice’ after singing the National Anthem in front of my school. I remember a rumor going around in middle school that I had a boob job because I hit puberty before most of the other girls. I remember being asked out by a boy over AIM messenger, only to go to class with him on Monday and walk in to the whole class laughing because it had been a joke and he’d printed out my messages for everyone to read. I remember someone writing on our neighborhood’s park slide that I had lost my virginity there in black Sharpie, meanwhile I hadn’t even had my first kiss. I remember pictures being drawn and passed around my classes. I remember being told I didn’t fit into someone’s ‘clique’. I remember being accused of being a drug addict because I wore skinny Hot Topic jeans and band t-shirts. I remember inviting a boy over who I really liked at the time and he came over with the intention to ‘get in my pants’ because ‘he’d heard I’d do it for anyone’. 

Yeah, school was rough. And I know I wasn’t the only one who had these experiences. Tearing down our peers and berating someone for our own confidence has become so commonplace that you’re in the minority if you don’t have an unsavory memory from school. That’s why shows like 13 Reasons Why are so essential. These issues don’t go away because we don’t talk about them. And to depict them as anything other than the horrendous, horrifying, and heartbreaking experiences that they are would be a disservice to survivors everywhere. I agree that this show is not for everyone. I agree that if you are still in the midst of healing from your own related traumas, you should steer clear or watch this show with someone who you love and trust. I’m not saying you should force yourself to trigger. But to say we shouldn’t be having these conversations at all? That seems just as harmful if not more so. 

Photo Courtesy of 13 Reasons Why Instagram Page

Season 1 has still been the most powerful season for me because of my own personal experiences. As I watched her bounce from one horrible social encounter to the next, I saw myself in Hannah Baker. I felt the rejection she felt, the pain and anger she felt, and ultimately the crippling loneliness when you feel that there is nowhere in this world where you belong. If you have not felt these feelings personally, its difficult to grasp just how suffocating and hopeless they are. I truly hope this show causes people to reflect on their own behavior. Not just the trauma and the shared pain (which is validating in itself), but to think back on a time where you could’ve shown more empathy. Where maybe you were unfairly mean to someone because you cared about what your peers thought. Or you were judgmental of something on the surface level, not realizing what was going on behind the scenes. If this show even causes one person to look at their past actions and think “Hey, I could have done better and I’m going to do better”, then how can you say that this show serves anything other than good? 

Which leads me to Season 3. Here’s you’re last warning: Abandon all ye who enter here if you have not watched the newest season! Season 3 largely attempts to humanize Bryce Walker and his path to redemption, and it’s been met with a lot of mixed reviews. This subject is a tricky one to navigate, because everyone’s trauma is different and everyone’s healing is different. But when I think about this season, there is one line specifically that sticks out in my mind. There is a moment where Casey and Jessica are having a confrontation at their survivor’s group meeting about whether the group should protest at Bryce’s funeral. Jessica is insisting that they should not go through with the protest as despite his horrendous actions, Bryce was still a human being, his family has the right to mourn him, and the protest would go against human decency. Casey is quick to become angry and defensive, stating that the most important thing is for everyone to know her truth: ‘I am a victim and I will never heal from this.’ 

No one can tell you when you will heal from something or how long it will take you to heal in your own way. But to never heal? To always be a victim? To always be held back because of what happened to you? Isn’t that giving your abuser/attacker all of the power? Aren’t you keeping their control over your head? And when we view other people and our situations in this mindset, we make everything around us 2 dimensional. We not only limit those around us from being able to experience growth, change, remorse, and changed action, but we limit ourselves from growth as well. I am not the same woman I was 10 minutes ago, let alone 4 years ago. And I am certainly not the same woman that was raped when I was 18. She will always be a part of me, and her struggles with sex and her self confidence have been an intense battle over the years. But I refuse to remain a victim. I refuse to take one horrific blip and let it define the quality and worth of my life. I am so much more than what happened to me that night. And if I’m not going to let that one blip define my life, how can I let it define someone else’s? I am not a victim, I am a SURVIVOR. And if I believe myself to be capable of more, to be capable of healing and letting go and expressing forgiveness in something so deeply traumatic, then I must believe that everyone is capable of more. 

There are some people out there who commit horrible things and never feel remorse, or regret, or reflection on the damage they inflicted. I’m not telling you to go out and to forgive those people, or to have empathy for the reasons why they’re fucked up. But what about the people who do want to change? What about the people who do want to take accountability, heal, and move on in the best way they can? What about the people who truly want to do better and be better? We live in a society where the common mentality is that the mistake makes the man, but I simply don’t believe thats true. We’re all capable of horrible, selfish things (some more than others). We have all made mistakes that when we think about in this moment still make us cringe no matter how long its been, myself included. But if we truly want our society to change, if we truly want to eliminate these issues that don’t just plague our youth, but everyone in our world, we not only have to be open to the discussions, but we have to be open to forgiveness. To redemption. 

My rapist is someone who I still share over 20 mutual friends with on Facebook. The same man who held me down as I said no and told me to ‘shh’ has posts on his page calling him a great friend, a hard worker, and a caring person. And maybe if someone else was in my position, that would make them really angry. For a while, it did make me angry. I felt that I wanted the world to know what this person had done to me. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops so that everyone in our hometown would know exactly what had happened and what this person was capable of. I wanted him to hurt the way I had hurt. But what does that really solve, in the end? Did it help me heal? Did it change that I was raped? Did it suddenly make the pain go away, or did it make me feel more comfortable in my body? No. These were all things I had to come to terms with for myself. He had already taken enough from me, was I really going to give him my time, attention, energy, and emotion? Hell no. It’s just like Ghandi said: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” And its so incredibly true. I do not want to inflict pain. I do not want to create emotional trauma. I do not want to be filled with toxic energies and thoughts. I do not want to be him. Forgiveness is not for the other person, every single time it is always for you. And if you don’t heal the wounds that hurt you, you bleed on people who didn’t cut you. I was tired of hurting the people in my life that I love because I was holding on to so much anger and despair. To use another famous quote from the great Nelson Mandela: “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” 

If I didn’t forgive him, if I chose to stay in that bedroom on the queen sized bed with my head banging against the headboard and all of my jewelry left on the nightstand, how could I expect him to not stay in that room with me? To not remain the same, horrible person that had committed this atrocious act? I wanted more for myself than that. I wanted to leave that room in my rearview mirror and never look back. And in doing so, I had to let go of all of my anger and blame towards him. And I really hope he has changed. I hope he is the kind, compassionate, and caring person that those in his life believe him to be. I truly believe that we are all worthy of redemption if we seek it out honestly. If we are willing to right our wrongs to the best of our ability, I think we all deserve that chance. 

Photo Courtesy of 13 Reason's Why Instagram Page

There were multiple moments where Bryce Walker had me in tears this season. When he referenced how no one would touch him or look at him. When he referenced not having a single friend in the world. When he referenced wanting so badly to do good and not knowing how. When he took responsibility and was spit on every time he tried to move on. When he was in his mom’s yoga studio and burst into tears in his mother’s arms. None of these moments justify what Bryce Walker did. We all have to face the consequences of our actions no matter how sorry we feel. But our past and our mistakes are not ‘scarlet letters' that we must wear proudly on our chests. You get to decide on the person you want to be, TODAY. Whoever you want to be. You can’t change the past and who you were, but you can change where you are headed and who you become. And I believe that everyone deserves a chance at the path to redemption. A chance to start over if they’re willing to own up and make the changes. We are all human beings, and I wish to live in a world where we recognize our common humanity and we are gentle with each other. We all crave love, human connection, and happiness. And I believe once we open up our hearts to forgive those who have trespassed against us, and to forgive our own trespasses, and to let go and heal, we will create the world we want to live in.